Balancing Act

I run a small business doing photography and graphic design. I remember when my first daughter was born and I switched to a night shift at the TV station thinking how great it was going to be for my freelance work. I would have more time than ever during the day to find new clients and grow my business. HA!

At first I tried bringing her to my studio when I had work to do - I was renting an 800 square foot space in an old converted factory building. I told the other tenants there how they would be seeing more of me now that I was home during the day. All that happened was I would try and do as much work as possible in 30 minutes before my daughter started crying and I had to get her out of the building before someone complained to management.

It wasn't much better at home. I would do work when she was taking a nap, but I could never count on a consistent length of time to get anything done. I remember actually getting mad at her when she would wake up early from a nap and becoming so frustrated that I couldn't get any work done.

Slowly over time, I did less and less. I eventually accepted the fact that this was how it was going to be - my free time was gone and I lived my life according to my daughter's schedule, not mine.

When my second daughter was born, it very quickly became even more apparent that my life - as I used to know it - was over. I was doing almost no freelance work at this point, and I was losing a lot of money keeping my studio open. It would have killed me to lose my studio altogether, and luckily I was able to move into a much smaller space with a much smaller rent. Even still, I was almost never there. But I was happy to cling to this little piece of my former life, vowing to return someday.

So here we are, two years later, and I'm still no closer to getting back any time to myself for doing personal projects - at least not any consistent amount of time on any regular basis. It doesn't even have to be work related..., I would just like to be able to go to the gym a few days a week, but my youngest daughter throws a fit every time I bring her to the babysitting room and I have to take her home ten minutes later (I actually tried again today after a five month break, but she wasn't any better. Well..., actually, she didn't make herself throw up this time, so I guess it was a little better).

I like to read these success stories of stay-at-home-moms who have launched successful home businesses in order to have the best of both worlds - a career and the ability to raise their children. They make me feel good inside - hopefull. I read them over and over again and I can't figure out how they did it. I guess they do most of their work after their children have gone to bed, but for me, that's when I'm at my full-time job. Even at home, finding 10 minutes to sit at the computer and respond to email is sometimes difficult.

On really stressful days (like today, if you havn't guessed), I often wonder about getting a babysitter once a week, just to give me one day that I can count on to do whatever it is I need to do. Most of our friends have full-time nannys..., even some of the ones who stay at home (which blows my mind, but please don't get me started!), and they never seem stressed out. I don't know what bothers me more, the fact that they can do whatever they want, or the fact despite all my idle threats, I know I could never hire someone else to raise my children. Believe it or not, in the four years we've had children, we've never hired a babysitter. My in-laws will occasionally watch our kids so my wife and I can go out to dinner, but we've never had someone who isn't family watch our children. My youngest daughter's health problems makes finding a qualified sitter difficult..., we actually interviewed someone once, but ended up not needing her. If I can't leave my daughter alone at the gym for a few minutes, I don't know how I could leave her at home with someone she doesn't really know for several hours.

So what's the secret to regaining that balance I'm looking for (and please don't tell me to wake up earlier..., I work 'til midnight, remember!)? Anyone have any suggestions? Is it a matter of time? Do I need to wait until my daughters are a little older and a little more self-sufficient? At the rate Grace is going, that could be years. Surely there must be someone out there who know the secrets. Anyone..., anyone..., Bueller..., Bueller?